We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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