I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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