i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
