I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
