did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
