My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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