Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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