I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
