Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
