My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
