Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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