Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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