By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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