According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
