i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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