Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
