i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
