She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
