i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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