I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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