when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
