someone threw a dead crab at me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
