i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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