well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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