If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
