I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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