So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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