i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize