I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
