I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
