in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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