I'm going to jail i love you
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
