We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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