Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It was confusing and full of hummus
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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