capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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