i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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