WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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