I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
