apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
