I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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