He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
