we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
