Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
