i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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