I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
