I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
can u get pink eye on your cock?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
