You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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