TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
