My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
