Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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