you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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