I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
