Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
