Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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