i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm like, not good at living.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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