Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
