When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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