i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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