i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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