So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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