You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
