My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
