i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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