big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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