My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So much rum. So many feels.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
