I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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