made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
