I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
